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Trump was so pleased with his meeting with Kim Jong Un that he announced the United States will now hold peace talks with Canada.

I really hope Trump makes friends with Kim because everyone else wants us dead.

Not to stick up for a pharmaceutical company but I took an ambien last night and still thought what Roseanne did wa… twitter.com/i/web/st…

I realized tonight I will never be able to play basketball like Lebron James.

Breaking news: Trump cancels meeting with North Korea. Nobel committee says he still might get the batshit crazy award.

North Korea releases three American prisoners! As a sign of good will Trump gave them Mueller and Rosenstein.

Breaking News: Trump to back out of Louisiana Purchase.

Thanks for sending! RT @JimLNeibaur: Harry Einstein (Parkyakarkus), George Jessel, Jack Benny, Frank Sinatra, Eddie… twitter.com/i/web/st…

Twitter says 350 million passwords were stolen, so anything unfunny isn't me.

Sean Hannity named as Michael Cohen's third client! Hannity said they only talked about real estate. As in, "wher… twitter.com/i/web/st…

Watching James Comey was tough last night. It was hard to hear him complaining about Trump. I just kept yelling YOU ELECTED HIM.

If you're very rich or very healthy you're probably going to miss Paul Ryan.

It seems Trump is on the verge of firing missiles at Syria. He just has to figure out how one can hit Mueller on the way.

Hey Donald Trump, the Dow is down 750 points. Stop talking!

Today I sent Mark Zuckerberg my entire medical history just to save him some time.

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